Game 5: The Thing That Happened At The Place

Cavs win! Yay! Bearded King's arm looks hurt! Uh-oh!

Shaq looks good! Yay! Mo Williams shoots ohfer in the fourth! Uh-oh!

But, Cavs win! Yay! Let an inferior team hang around! Uh-oh!

Round 1 is in the books, much to the apparent relief of the good guys, who, we can be sure, want no further part of Messrs. Rose and Noah. In two out of the four wins, the Bearded Protagonists did just enough to fend off a Bulls team that will inevitably collapse under the weight of all the ink used to print the word "scrappy" to describe them. And even though they did it in an overwhelmingly underwhelming fashion, the Cavs dispatched their first round opponents in five games, affording them four days' respite before kicking off what's sure to be a well-mannered, relaxed series versus the gentlemanly Boston Celtics. What a pleasant time that will be, especially because those nice young men will have been far too busy taking tea in their studies to have taken note of the Cavs' shortcomings this past series. A civil time will be had by all.

Game 5 Beard Reactions

Beardzilla: Er. Um. Yeah. He's gonna be fine, right? Right? Somebody get him some Sprite. Hey, that rhymed. Here's another: Boston Celtics, go to hell-tics. SPOILER: Beardzilla is actually popular hip-hop artist T.I.

Beard-a-tron: Brad Miller, we hardly knew ye. Well, I suppose we did get to know ye pretty well on that one possession where ye fouled Shaq a whole bunch. That was fun. For what it's worth, ye had the best beard on the Bulls, and for that we salute ye. Enjoy a nice summer vacation on Yeti Mountain, compliments of Beard-a-tron.

Game 4: A Swift Kick In the Beard

Let's all take a step back for a moment and consider what just went down. The scrappy underdogs, with a win in their pocket and the home crowd in their ear, came out strong and played nearly even with the Cavs for almost the entire first half. Even the TV guys had shifted from "gratuitous LeBron praise mode" to "actual game coverage" mode. Then, in the blink of an eye (specifically, the almighty Eye of LeBron, which has a Sauron-like ability to pierce the souls of mortals), the game was over. The series was over. "Actual game coverage" mode was over. So thorough was the destruction wrought by the Bearded King and his merry men, all the stunned home crowd could do was collect their jaws from the sticky, peanut-covered floor of the arena and keep track of the dizzying numbers on the stat sheet.

The Cavs are a team with an on/off switch, and that mechanism is sometimes faulty. But when it's firmly in the 'on' position, Thor help you if you're in the way. Let's hope it stays there. Now if we could only find the 'on' switch for our hair-growth genes...

Game 4 Beard Reactions

Beardzilla: A satisfied smirk below my trashy quasi-stache and a haughty upturned nose above it. All it took was five minutes of this elusive playoff intensity we've heard so much about, and the opposition melted away like [BEARD ANALOGY NOT FOUND].

Beard-a-tron: A little taste of how deadly this team can be. Clearly, the turn of events has much to do with the continued strengthening of my beard. That's why I got this awesome shirt. It's from Canada, so just imagine that those hockey sticks are basketballs.

Game 3: Wha' happened?

It's Beard-a-tron's birthday, and it's safe to say that the Chicago refs will not be getting humorous thank-you e-cards. In fact, they might be getting humorous get-bent e-cards. You think a reverse headlock on LeBron might be a foul? Maybe a blatant dive trying to flee from the Bearded King's wrath could be a block instead of a charge? Regardless of the infinitely shoddy officiating, the Cavs nearly erased a twenty-point deficit, scaring the bejeezus out of Bulls fans until the moment Beardless Anthony Parker's prayer was denied by the Beard Gods. The Bulls hit jumpers left and right and upside down, got cheap fouls on Shaqbeard the Pirate, benefited from innumerable turnovers, and still only won by two.

Listen, bearded brethren: the Cavs aren't going to lose this series. It's just not going to happen. Maybe we should be glad they're not coasting through the first round like they did last year; in spite of the Bearded King's majestic splendor, they still need a few games to gel as a fully assembled puzzle. There is indeed a silver lining to this loss: it gives our Playoffs Beards more time to fill out. Lord knows we need it.

Game 3 Beard Reactions

Beard-a-tron: All I wanted for my birthday was a Cavs win... and a solid gold Escalade. I didn't even get the Escalade.







Beardzilla: I feel sick. For the first time in franchise history, we finally have a guy who should get superstar calls, and he DOESN'T GET SUPERSTAR CALLS! Seriously, what do you have to do to this guy to get a foul called, cut him with a prison shiv? Prediction for Game 4: pain.

Beard Gift

It is rare that we at Playoff Beards 2010 (c) receive the gift of beard, but it is also a rare night. Three minutes left in the third game of the series, and the Cavs are not winning. I am going to check the astrology charts for tonight.

Anyway, here is beard.

Thank you, friend. No one knows who you are, but we do know one thing: you are a fan of the Ghostbusters.

Godspeed, Cavs.

Game 2: Meh, It's A Win.

Playoff Beards is hereby putting out an APB (that's All Playoff Beards) Alert: there is now officially a bounty of 267,000 Vietnamese Dong on the limp, patchy affront to beardkind that currently festers on the jaw of Bulls center Joakim Noah. The parasitic growth clearly has its roots deep in the brain stem of the man, judging by his egregiously erroneous comments on the state of Cleveland's vivacious social scene, as well as his provocative statements towards Kevin Garnett's carnivorous goatee. Apparently Noah's silly monkey beard also is pretty good at basketball, which explains how that lanky, shrill excuse for an enforcer managed to bother the Cavs all night. Of course, the Supreme Bearded Being would not allow such a travesty to come to fruition, and his adjective-defying heroics provided a happy ending to the game. Up 2-0 in the series, the Cavs will take their stubbly wrath on the road to Chicago, and we can only hope that by then some plucky soul will have succeeded in capturing the bounty on the evil beard.

Game 2 Beard Reactions

Beardzilla: One thumb up for some strong bench play from Jamario Moon, and an awed gape for the wonder and majesty that is LeBron James. No.....words.....
should've sent a......poet.....


Beard-a-tron: M-E-H, meh. I can't believe it took 40 from LeMVP to beat these clowns. Seriously, somebody has got to sneak up on Joking Noah with a straight razor. I swear that thing is giving him Samson-like power. Either that, or the beard is a transplant from a dead guy who was a serial killer, like in that Simpsons episode.

Game 1: The Beginning of the Beginning of the Beginning of the End

The Cavaliers began their quest to slay the twin dragons of history and expectations with a 96-83 win at home, in a performance not unlike a freshly shaven mug awaiting the arrival of proud, strong facial hair to come: they were rested, confident, at times overly so, but above all, ready. The playoff are officially underway, and our eager hair follicles are pulsing with glee as their growth is strengthened by the Cavs' play.

Game 1 Beard Reactions

Beardzilla: "One and a half thumbs and a satisfied smile for finally getting the playoffs started. My beard is going to be a nervous wreck when the Cavs play a team that can score."


Beard-a-tron: "Two thumbs up and a big toothy grin for Shaq looking like Shaq, and also for Joakim Noah's awful, scraggly attempt at a playoff beard."

Welcome to Playoff Beards 2010! (c)

First thing's first: the Cavs are not a basketball team. The Cavs are metaphysical warriors, on a mission to carry a single rubber sphere 94 feet to its ineffable destiny:

A stationary loop of metal with a fishnet hanging from it.

So, in support of our Titans of Dribble, that's what we're going to do--more or less.

Welcome to Playoff Beards 2010! (c), your ONLY destination to watch a couple of dudes from Youngstown, Ohio, grow Playoff Beards (c).

Who are these dudes? I'm glad I asked. I first met Beardzilla and Beard-a-Tron panhandling in Ocean City. So I really don't know much about them.

My day job.

What I do know, is that these dudes are metaphysical warriors, on a mission to...well, they're on a mission to...not entirely sure. But goddamn it, they're going to succeed in doing whatever it is that is. Down with shaving, until the Cavs win the pennant!

Above, LeBron winning pennant.

Let me level for a minute. I don't know much about basketball. I'm not entirely sure why everone keeps running back and forth across the screen, and I have even less of an idea why they keep bouncing the ball, when it would be much easier to just tuck it into the crook of their arm and flail about wildly to ward off defenders.

Why am I writing? It's simple. I'm being paid in FREE GOLD.

Yours,

Philip Brightmore

In the Before Time, In the Long Long Ago

It Begins...

Our beards will give the Cavs power.

Two beards. One team. Join us here at Playoff Beards and follow the scruffy, greasy-faced journey to the title.